Enough

Enough.

When is it ever Enough? Often I feel I am waiting for a source outside of myself to tell me ‘Enough’.

I have done enough.

I have tried hard enough.

I am enough.

That I may now stop and be peaceful. Catch my breath. Be proud. Take a moment to soak it in and celebrate.

That I may move on.

But it rarely comes from outside.

Enough is gratitude to extend to yourself. I have found there is much joy in saying 'enough' to myself. In signing my name, stepping back knowing I will now just admire- I will not make any more changes. In these moments I look with fresh eyes; no longer exhaustingly critical, searching for the next improvement to make. I now look with accepting eyes, searching to understand it and discover all the greatness that stands before me. Saying enough is a practice in acceptance; and such joy comes from it.

A few weeks ago in a hot tub at a little Canadian ski resort I had an awesome movie moment that sprouted this feeling. Let me set the scene.

It’s a cool clear night and I am just finishing a good deep convocation with a friend. As Elle hops out of the tub Jeff Buckley’s 'Hallelujah' begins to play. (go on- hit play as listen to it as you read on) The lights from the village glow softly off to the far right, the snow-covered forest in front of me is illuminated by the moon. Spanning for miles in every direction it stops only at the base of a beautiful mountain range that seems to standing  guard, containing this beautiful world.  The snow-covered trees gently sway in the breeze. After a minute, in a quite moment a single car moves smoothly by on the gravel road below and my mind drifts to my best friend, currently at the other end of the world.

I wonder if this was a movie moment and we were a split screen what activity would fill his half of the screen? I soak in all details around me. A breeze blows by and gives me goose bumps as the music rises, the hot tub jets cut out in perfect synchronization with the quieting of the song, stars cover the sky above and the rest of the world is silent. I gaze across the open miles in front of me to the mountains and remember that they are not limits they are only mountains and there is a whole world beyond them I will discover.

When the song ends I ask myself ‘What more?’ What more would the director add? What more would my eye be lead to notice, deduct, conclude? What more do I need to make this moment Enough?

And I realize ‘nothing.’ I’ll never know what was happening in the other split screen but mine is enough. I realize ‘I have done my part’ Completely. And I feel peaceful.

I realize that in life this is probably the case more often than I acknowledge and it would be good if I observed these moments. Often I set myself up to avoid enough. Too many projects, goals and commitments to ever have the time to finish anything to my standard of properly and appreciate it.

In an offencive move sometimes limit the number of things on my to-do list each day. Because while I feel a little crazy if I don’t have all the things I still have to get to written down, I feel great when I have ticked all my boxes on a certain day. Some days getting out of bed in the morning is the only box I should have on my list, because that is where my limit is and for some funny reason this always makes me think of my driving instructor.

Everything I really know about driving I learnt when I was 18 from my instructor Mike. After years of being a driving instructor he had refined the art of teaching to a few key concepts, solidified down to single phrases. My favorite of all: “Drive to your own conditions.” The message was ‘don’t worry about what other people think, do or try and force you to do (this lesson came while I was doing the limit and being tailgated.) Look at the road, weather, your car and set your own conditions.

When I am in the mood to be kind to myself, or when I have no choice for I will loose my mind, I start by setting myself my conditions for today. I limit the number of things I want to achieve and if in the end I have some time left over for me to do as I please and enjoy life- win! And I do just that, making sure to not sneak more things on to the list as hard as that is initially.

So here is the challenge: Decide what Enough will be for you today, and do your best to reach that. If you don’t, well, you are closer than you were this morning. And if you do. Celebrate it. Cook your self a meal, read something you never have time to, put your feet up and don’t feel bad, go and sit in nature, sleep- these are all legitimate and self nurturing options. Most of all let yourself feel relieved.

Allow yourself to embrace that "I am enough, because I am.” This is a new big scary concept to me- I’m beginning to chip away at.